my sanity is hanging by a thread

Hands down

Thu, 10 Jul 2008 23:19:47 GMT

The Dark Knight is going to be the best movie ever.

Imax tickets 12am thursday in san francisco to see it? I can't fucking wait. My boyfriend is going insane.

it's been atleast over a year...

Sun, 29 Jun 2008 19:06:34 GMT

I haven't forgotten about livejournal... and honestly I have no idea how I used to update this frequently. But now that I think about it... that was like 4 years ago. Maybe I had more going on in my life then. I don't even know where to begin...

I've lived with pat in California for over a year now. I've been promoted and I honestly love my job at starbucks. No lie. I'm finally going to school next semester. I haven't been to school since I graduated high school. So i'm a little behind the game but I'm excited about going and hopefully I can catch up!

I've been back to Vegas twice... which is ok. I don't really have plans to go back anytime soon. Atleast not until my best friend gets married because of course I better be the bride's maid.

I got a puppy in december and we named her Cambria. She's the cutest dog I've ever seen, and not just because she's mine but she legitimately is. We got her fixed last week and she's been miserable because she doesn't realize she can't do things normally and she tried but i stop her. muahaha.

Patrick is completely and utterly obsessed with the dark knight. Or batman in general. so he bought tickets to a midnight showing july 17th in san francisco! crazy! he's crazy but i'm excited. maybe not as excited but I am excited.

concerts have been pretty non existent seeing as how we're trying to move. I can say though the only person we've bothered even trying to see this year is kevin devine. mostly because he'll change your life.

ok so... i've got internet on my laptop now so i'll probably update more. we'll see.

hey thanks, thanks for that summer.

Sun, 26 Aug 2007 00:57:48 GMT

ok... so wow! so much has changed. I no longer live in vegas. I know live in Hollister, CA with my boyfriend Pat Garza and his family. things are going really well. I work at starbucks which is the ONLY job i have. that in itself is a huge change for me. I turned 21 like 9 days ago! i never thought i'd turn 21. and tonight i'm going to my first bar. crazy. ok, i guess it's not my first bar because i went into a bar the day after my birthday and ordered drinks. anyways... I'm going back to vegas in october to visit and i'm excited. i have a new nephew, and i watched him be born. it was amazing. he was probably one of the saddest things about me leaving. he's like 3 months now and i haven't seen him since he was 3 weeks. that's pretty much all i can think of.

love,
niki

----------------
Now playing: Her Space Holiday - The Ringing In My Ears
http://foxytunes.com/artist/her+space+holiday/track/the+ringing+in+my+ears

they say in heaven there's no husbands and wives

Fri, 08 Dec 2006 23:19:50 GMT

Last night I bought pirates of the caribbean: dead mans chest. And regina spektor. Today I bought my ticket for taking back sunday, underoath, and armor for sleep march 10th at the house of blues. I'm way excited. I also called out today so I can babysit. Oh well. I can always use a day off.

I don't mind you under my skin

Thu, 07 Dec 2006 18:08:36 GMT

wow so... how's about an update? It's hard to update on a life that doesn't feel like it ever changes ya know? I'm a workaholic, probably always will be. I have been since i moved to vegas (may '04). Things have been really iffy with my best friend and i probably for the last year. well that's something we're working on which i'm super thankful for. I never ever though that things could've gotten as bad as it was between amanda and i. but thankfully like i said, we're working on it. I'm moving to California in June which i'm super excited/anxious/scared about. i've met amazing people here and the kids i take care of on a daily basis hold sooo much of my heart. it's not going to be easy but in the long run, i won't be so miserable and alone anymore. nobody wants to live life miserably alone right? right. it's like 18 days until christmas. i have mixed feelings about xmas this year for some reason. i have to work xmas day which isn't a problem. i get to spend xmas eve with my family which i'm super excited about. I haven't seen chuck and grace much at all since their car accident/worst day of my life on july 24th. that's a different story i don't want to think about. my mom, danielle and sean moved to pahrump last month and i haven't seen them since. i'm super glad that i'm used to not seeing them daily but still... i miss them. ya know? my friend greg is supposed to be home (he's in the air force) around christmas time. i'm so excited! i miss him a lot and i haven't seen him since april. which was a super bummer because we were just becoming really good friends and hanging out a lot and then bam, his time was up. oh well. another one of my good friends will be here in january so the next couple months are looking positive. I really really wanna see happy feet still. gah!

work lately has been soooo effing insane. how ive managed to keep my exposure is unreal.

TAKING BACK SUNDAY MARCH 10TH! omg so excited. i'm not going to work tomorrow, and i'm gonna buy my ticket. thank god for direct deposit. ok so that was my update and now i must get ready for work.

p.s. my ear is killing me. nooo idea why.

the life of the wife was ended by the knife

Sat, 29 Jul 2006 06:03:56 GMT

I feel like the most traumatic week of my life is finally coming to an end. THANK FUCKING GOD. I'm done with the tears, i'm done going through what happened. I'm done blaming myself. I'm done replaying incidents in my head while conscious and unconscious. I want this week to be over. I want my family to live their lives again. that may be too much to ask for but i haven't been let down thus far...

holy mah glaciers

Sat, 20 May 2006 23:39:03 GMT

march 25th was the last time i logged into livejournal.com.. i'm a little ashamed :(

your whole life could start today

Sun, 26 Mar 2006 03:59:25 GMT

Your Five Factor Personality Profile

Extroversion:

You have medium extroversion.
You're not the life of the party, but you do show up for the party.
Sometimes you are full of energy and open to new social experiences.
But you also need to hibernate and enjoy your "down time."

Conscientiousness:

You have high conscientiousness.
Intelligent and reliable, you tend to succeed in life.
Most things in your life are organized and planned well.
But you borderline on being a total perfectionist.

Agreeableness:

You have medium agreeableness.
You're generally a friendly and trusting person.
But you also have a healthy dose of cynicism.
You get along well with others, as long as they play fair.

Neuroticism:

You have low neuroticism.
You are very emotionally stable and mentally together.
Only the greatest setbacks upset you, and you bounce back quickly.
Overall, you are typically calm and relaxed - making others feel secure.

Openness to experience:

Your openness to new experiences is high.
In life, you tend to be an early adopter of all new things and ideas.
You'll try almost anything interesting, and you're constantly pushing your own limits.
A great connoisseir of art and beauty, you can find the positive side of almost anything.

The Five Factor Personality Test

You are an Atheist

When it comes to religion, you're a non-believer (simple as that).
You prefer to think about what's known and proven.
You don't need religion to solve life's problems.
Instead, you tend to work things out with logic and philosophy.

What's Your Religious Philosophy?

i'm sorry for the person i became

Sun, 26 Feb 2006 18:53:54 GMT

why do i feel like i have to vomit after i eat? i ate 2 hours ago and still feel like i have to throw up. yesterday was awesome. and all i did was hang out with family and the shark reef. then the olive garden with my sister. why do i never get enough sleep? seriously, i should stop that. but it's kind of hard, i wake up super early everyday and i'm not done working and going to the gym until around midnight. babysitting is easy, but why would it be a whole lot easier if i were just at home? oh yeah.. the whole sleeping thing. anybody that sleeps more than 4-5 hours per night i envy. now i'm gonna go back to feeling sick to my stomach. ciao!

the truth hurts...

Sat, 04 Feb 2006 07:22:17 GMT

i'm done playing these games with you. they're never ending and you don't fucking get it. fuck you because apparently i'm not important enough for you. i wonder who's been there for you through everything? obviously not me because right now you make me feel like dirt. who's gonna be there when nobody else is? me. of course. just me. you'll see that then. maybe i won't feel like dirt when it comes to you. hey... what the fuck ever. you could smash my face in the ground over and over again and i'd still be there. but in all reality, i give up on you. i give up fighting for you. i give up being there for you. i give up. the fight that i'm fighting with you seems useless. it's not worth it. are you worth it? i'm not your buddy who you can hang out with when nobody else is "available" i'm done with that shit. if you don't agree with anything i'm saying right now then you obviously could care less about me. it's not fucking cute. and neither are you. get over your self. it's lame. k thanks bye.

symmetrical never looked so good

Thu, 26 Jan 2006 05:06:56 GMT

at the stroke of 5 the clock will stop
every breath that you take will be forgotten
call it a last resort
your last wish
a desperation for attention
call it begging for forgiveness.
just forget it.
tonight can't get much worse.
i'm through forgiving you.
your only hope is to be remembered.
i never wished for it to end like this.
i'm not who you think i am.
you meant the world to me...
i can't take this back.
i've already done away with you.
call it my last resort
my last wish
i'm desperate for attention.
please forgive me.
i never thought you'd die like this.
my stomach is in knots
this comatose state will shortly fade.
this memory of us will soon follow.
my heart no longer bleeds your name.
just forget me...
i'm as dead as you.

don't shake, i hate to see you tremble!

Fri, 06 Jan 2006 05:13:28 GMT

happy new year! i don't update this thing at all. i just wanted everyone to know my goal this year (resolution if you will) is to avoid relationships. i think it's a wonderful idea. i'm terrible with relationships. i really really am. i get involved with too many boys i don't like enough and they like me a lot and then it never lasts more than a month before i back out. the whole dating scene would be cool if i had time. but i don't have enough of that. ok so that is that. oh and i need a new car so i can travel because well i love road trips. that'll happen for sure by june.

i tell stories...

Fri, 16 Dec 2005 20:20:58 GMT

Your 2005 Song Is

Since You've Been Gone by Kelly Clarkson

"But since you've been gone
I can breathe for the first time
I'm so moving on"

In 2005, you moved on.

What Hit Song of 2005 Are You?

don't start talking to me i haven't been listeining

Thu, 17 Nov 2005 04:30:30 GMT

life right now is nuts. i'm alive... sorta. if you care or know me you can give me a call/text message me. something. no computer or internet for a while for me. blah.

702|355|2066

call me if you wanna. i'm always down for text messaging too.

for everyone who knows me, i miss you.

love always,
niki

stolen from my favorite person ever! (meaghan)

Mon, 17 Oct 2005 04:44:33 GMT

1. ONE OF YOUR SCARS, HOW DID YOU GET IT?
fixing my computer

2. WHAT IS ON THE WALLS IN YOUR ROOM?
posters

3. WHAT DOES YOUR CELL PHONE LOOK LIKE?
it's black or white with buttons. and it flashes when it rings. i love my phone.

4. WHAT MUSIC DO YOU LIKE TO LISTEN TO?
the kind that you'll find in my cd case

5. DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME YOU WERE BORN?
1:36.

6. WHAT DO YOU WANT MORE THAN ANYTHING RIGHT NOW?
a hug

7. WHAT DO YOU MISS?
high school

8. WHAT IS YOUR MOST PRIZED POSSESSION?
my class ring that is in california with pat :(

9. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SMELL?
certain laundry detergents i guess. my shampoo. anything that smells good ;)

10. DO YOU GET CLAUSTROPHOBIC?
all the time

11. DO YOU GET SCARED IN THE DARK?
heck no

12. THE LAST PERSON TO MAKE YOU CRY?
myself

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE COLOGNE / PERFUME?
adidas adrenaline

14. WHAT KIND OF HAIR DO YOU LIKE ON THE OPPOSITE SEX
not too short and not too long. kinda shaggy and dark

15. WHERE CAN YOU SEE YOURSELF BEING PROPOSED TO AT?
haha let me picture myself being proposed to first.... nope nothing there.

16. COFFEE OR ENERGY DRINKS?
coffee

17. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE PIZZA TOPPING?
pineapple

18. IF YOU COULD EAT ANYTHING RIGHT NOW WHAT WOULD IT BE?
soup

19. WHO IS THE LAST PERSON YOU MADE MAD?
everybody.

20. DO YOU SPEAK A DIFFERENT LANGUAGE?
fluently? no

21. WHAT WAS THE FIRST GIFT SOMEONE EVER GAVE YOU (OF THE OPPOSITE SEX):
pfft. a rose

28. WOULD YOU FALL IN LOVE KNOWING THAT THE PERSON IS LEAVING?
definately

29. WHAT IS THE BEST WAY TO TELL SOMEONE HOW MUCH THEY MEAN TO YOU?
you can fly out to see them, and then a year later randomly drive out to see them. mean while, they show no interest of driving or flying out to see you...

30. SAY A NUMBER FROM ONE TO A HUNDRED :
55

31. BLONDES OR BRUNETTES?
brunettes

32. WHAT IS THE ONE NUMBER YOU CALL OFTEN?
nobody

33. WHAT ANNOYS YOU MOST?
you know, a lot of things annoy me... i just let it go

34. HAVE YOU BEEN OUT OF THE US?
no

35. YOUR WEAKNESSES?
i love you

36. WHERE WERE YOU BORN?
las vegas, nv

37. FIRST JOB?
skating rink

38. EVER DONE A PRANK CALL?
yes

39. WHAT WERE YOU DOING BEFORE YOU FILLED OUT THIS SURVEY?
working

40.IF YOU COULD GET PLASTIC SURGERY WHAT WOULD IT BE?
never

41. WHY DID YOU FILL OUT THIS SURVEY?
because i'm avoiding cleaning.

42. WHAT DO YOU GET COMPLIMENTED ABOUT MOST?
my eyes

43. WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF ALCOHOL BECAME ILLEGAL?
wouldn't bother really

44. WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY?
can you make hollister and vegas one city? didn't think so...

45. HOW MANY KIDS DO YOU WANT?
two or three

46. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
not really

47. DO YOU WISH ON STARS?
i do

48. WHICH FINGER[S] IS YOUR FAVORITE?
dude?

49. WHEN DID YOU LAST CRY?
umm a few days ago i think. i don't cry much

50. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
some days

51. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?
beef

52. ANY BAD HABITS?
biting my nails, being alone.

53. WHAT IS YOUR MOST EMBARRASSING CD ON THE SHELF?
i can't say i'm ashamed of any.

54. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
yes.

55. HAVE YOU EVER TOLD A SECRET YOU SWORE NOT TO TELL?
probably not

56. DO LOOKS MATTER?
no but attraction does

57. HOW DO YOU RELEASE ANGER?
listen to music, drive, go to the gym

58. WHERE IS YOUR SECOND HOME?
work

59. DO YOU TRUST OTHERS EASILY?
no sir

60. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE TOY AS A CHILD
fire trucks maybe. i dont' know

61. HOW MANY NUMBERS ARE IN YOUR CELL PHONE?
55

63. DO YOU USE SARCASM?
all the effin time

64. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN A MOSH PIT?
yes

65. WHAT DO YOU LOOK FOR IN A GUY/GIRL?
ummm someone who doesn't bore me?

66. WHAT ARE YOUR NICKNAMES?
niki, nik, cole

68. DO YOU UN-TIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?
nope

70. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM FLAVOR?
coffee or choc. chip cookie dough

72. WHAT ARE YOUR FAVORITE COLORS?
purple, black and pink

73. HOW MANY WISDOM TEETH DO YOU HAVE?
3

74. WHO/WHAT DO YOU MISS MOST RIGHT NOW?
pat

75. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS
blah.

76. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?
nothing.

77. LAST THING YOU ATE?
veggie delight sub.

78. LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
pat

79. THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE IN THE OPPOSITE SEX?
eyes/smile/hair.

82. FAVORITE DRINK?
raspberry iced tea

84. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SPORT?
tennis

85. HAIR COLOR?
black

86. EYE COLOR?
blue/green/gray. hazel?

87. DO YOU WEAR GLASSES?
not really

88. SIBLINGS?
a ton

89. FAVORITE MONTH?
august

90. YOU LIKE SUSHI?
yes

91. LAST THING YOU WATCHED?
the chargers/raiders game

92. FAVORITE DAY OF THE YEAR?
probably my birthday for the most part

93. ARE YOU TOO SHY TO ASK SOMEONE OUT?
definately

94. SUMMER OR WINTER?
summer. no winter. no summer. i like both.

95. KISSES OR HUGS?
can you really kiss without hugging? besides, hugs come first kisses after. you can't subtract one

96. RELATIONSHIPS OR ONE NIGHT STANDS?
relationships

97. WHO IS THE MOST LIKELY TO ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS?
me

98. WHO IS THE LEAST LIKELY TO ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS?
you

99. WHAT BOOKS ARE YOU READING?
currently none unfortunately.

100. WHERE DO YOU WORK?
children's choice learning center, and savers.

pointless

Wed, 12 Oct 2005 06:42:00 GMT

let's get those teen hearts beating faster faster...

just for the record...

Thu, 06 Oct 2005 06:17:12 GMT

blah fuckity blah blah fuck. that's how i feel. i feel like my world is falling apart but at the same time i think everything will work out if i just let it be. i'm quitting savers. the place that has been my home/family since june of 2004. don't ask me why, because i don't fucking know anymore. i don't know anything. don't get the wrong impression, i'm happy i swear. but seriously, when will it be my turn? to be happy... to have the right job... to be able to fall asleep and actually want to wake up.. to have the boy and the boy have me... I'm sooo fucking tired of giving my all and getting nothing back. caring for that someone and being invisible to them. i know i've said this before and i'll say it again. I fucking give up. whatever happens happens. no more worries for this girl because i'm done. now i'll go to sleep and i'll wake up tomorrow and do the same fucking thing i do every goddamn day. why? because apparently that's all i'm good for.

hi, everything's great.

Wed, 28 Sep 2005 05:45:55 GMT

× • B A S I C S • ×

Name: Nicole Alexis Servello
Single or Taken: single to the core
Gender: female
Birthday: August 16
Sign: leo
Siblings: I have a sister. i mean 2 sisters. i have a brother. i mean 3 brothers..
Hair color: black
Eye color: green/blue/gray.. some call it hazel
Height: 5'5"

• × • R E L A T I O N S H I P S • × •

You have a boyfriend/girlfriend?: doesn't this go with the whole single or taken ?.
How many exes do you have?: 5.
What is your longest relationship?: one year and ten months.
What was your shortest relationship? a whole like month. i kinda suck at keeping things

• × • F A S H I O N | S T U F F • × •

Where is your favorite place to shop for clothes: mervyns, old navy, fashion bug.
Any tattoos or piercings: 3 piercings, 6 tattoos.
What do u wear most the time?: nothing ;)

• × • S P E C I F I C S • × •

Do you do drugs?: hell no.
What kind of shampoo do you use?: treseme
What are you most scared of? you know? i have no idea. i'm kind of really afraid of getting close to someone.. anyone.
Who is the last person that called you?: James
Where do you want to get married?: california

× • F A V O R I T E S • × •

Colors: purple
Foods: italian
Subjects in school: school? what's that? i enjoyed history and math. and mythology. and science.
Animals: tigers

• × • H A V E | Y O U | E V E R • × •

Given anyone a bath?: my little brother and my little sister.
Smoked?: once. or twice.
Made yourself throw up?: more than i should have or intended to..
Skinny dipped?: yes
Made yourself cry to get out of trouble?: yes especially with my dad because i'm his baby.
Cried when someone died?: definately. still do sometimes
Lied: nooo. damnit that was a lie.
Fallen for your best friend?: i'm in love with him..
Been rejected?: probably but it doesn't matter.
Rejected someone?: yeah
Used someone?: definatley not. but i know someone who has.
Done something you regret?: no regrets. if anything i'd regret speaking before thinking. i do that a lot.

• × • C U R R E N T • × •

Clothes: blue shorts and a tank top. cleavageXcore
Smell: amanda's room?
DVD in player: napoleon dynamite.

• × • L A S T P E R S O N • × •

You touched: probably a kid at work. that's naughty haha jk
You IMed: chris
You yelled at: probably some kids at work.

• × • A R E Y O U • × •

Understanding: definately
Open minded: sometimes
Arrogant: not really
Insecure: most of the time.
Random: completely
Hungry: no
Smart: i'm not stupid. people say i'm street smart. or wise. but i'm not exactly book smart.
Moody: eh
Hard working: too much so
Organized: haha in whose book? mine or yours? yours no, mine yes.
Healthy: I try to be. i'm constantly sick though.
Shy: if quiet is shy then yes, yes i am. but definately not afraid to speak my mind.
Attractive: sometimes i guess.
Obsessed: music
Angry: nope
Sad: not so much
Happy: nope
Hyper: hahaha.

• × • W H O D O Y O U W A N N A • × •

Kill?: nobody
Slap?: my mom
Have sex with?: nobody but him.

• × • F I N I S H T H E S E N T E N C E • × •

All I need is: myself
Love is: everlasting
I dream about: people i wish i spent more time with.

• × • W H O • × •

Makes you smile: everybody.
Gives you a funny feeling when you see him or her?: shiontknow

• × • D O Y O U E V E R • × •

Sit on the internet all night waiting for that special someone to get on?: no
Wish you were a member of the opposite sex?: never
Wish you were younger: so i didn't have to be so grown up all the time? definately.

• × • N U M B E R • × •

Of scars on my body: give or take 5
Of kisses: what?

don't wait for me...

Thu, 22 Sep 2005 07:19:50 GMT

dear motivation,

please come back.

take this knife and twist it in my back

Sun, 11 Sep 2005 05:38:09 GMT

I HATE THIS. I DON'T WANT TO DEAL WITH ANYTHING RIGHT NOW. I DONT WANT TO DEAL WITH YOU, I DON'T WANT TO DEAL WITH HER OR HIM OR ME. I JUST WANT TO BE LEFT ALONE BUT AT THE SAME TIME I'M YEARNING FOR COMPANY. I DONT KNOW WHAT I WANT/NEED. I NEED TO STOP HAVING NEAR NERVOUS BREAK DOWNS. i'm tired of being used, you aren't going to use me anymore. i hate that people who i used to get along so well with annoy the shit out of me lately. i'm really freakin annoyed by everything. maybe i'm just sexually frustrated. i hate that i like my boyfriend but all i think about is how to let him go. i can't allow him to get close to me, as if i'll break his heart or he'll break mine. my heart isn't available for me to give at the moment. nor do i think it ever will. i keep saying i need time. i don't fucking need time, i don't need anyone around. i just need to figure out somethings. people around me need to figure out some things too. that was directed towards amanda. what the fuck happened to us dude? we're 2 completely different people. i seriously wish you could see yourself and how much you've changed. a year ago, you were never like this. i want you to explain yourself, but i don't want to hear it. i mean if you know who you are and what you're doing than great. you shouldn't have to explain anything to me then right? i hope you know who you are, because i don't know who you are. GGGGGGAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!@@@@!@!#!@ i need a vacation or something. i don't know what i need but when i figure it out you'll know.

i'm trying to figure out if my words have any meaning...

Fri, 02 Sep 2005 06:20:40 GMT

my mom is so fucking stupid. MOM! shut the fuck up!!~@#!@ kthnx. seriously people she has lived in vegas since march and has done 1 goddamn thing for me. she filled my prescription for my tendonitis a loooong time ago. she OWED me 15 dollars. but because she did me that ONE goddamn favor i owe her the world. i don't fucking think so mother. so tonight she quit her job apparently. great fucking move idiot! i honestly don't know how this lady raised me. so i told her i wasn't going to help which is really messed up i can admit but she's 46 years old! i'm not her goddamn mother and i'm really fed up with playing that role. if she needs help she can get her grown up ass out of it on her own.

i feel super lonely lately. and today at work i started shaking uncontrollably. if i have friends, where the fuck are they? i have a boyfriend i don't see much whom i like a lot and right now he's keeping me sane..

my best friend i don't see much either because right now she's so wrapped up in herself to see how other people feel. seriously amanda, who the fuck has been there for you for like the past 7 years? so go fucking spend all your time with guys who apparently give you the attention you crave. i don't need that bullshit but of course because i've known you for so freakin long i'll put on a fake smile for you and make you think everything is ok. because reguardless thats what YOU want to believe. look in the mirror and tell me you haven't changed. because really i still see you as AMANDA. your attitude isn't as hot and mighty as you think your looks are now. but once again, you won't see where i'm coming from. don't get me wrong, i'm extremely happy that you're a lot happier these days and you probably think because you are thinner that guys will give you more attention... which is probably true and if you want attention because you look different then WHO the fuck ARE YOU!? i honestly don't know anymore. i said it once and i'll say it a thousand times. if you can't see you've changed like i see you have then you aren't worth it. like i told you before maybe one day you'll figure it out but i can't promise ill still be around.

and lastly, i have pat. sometimes... when he wants to be around. he knows me more than i think i know myself and he will always be my best friend. but different then amanda..

and THEN people can go around doing the simplest things to let ME know i'm still fucking alive and then i actually feel important to someone. in example... meaghan. you know what you've done for me and i can never thank you enough. even if its sending me stuff or listening to my problems and giving me the best advice you can. thank you.

ok last but not least... don't tell me i mean the fucking world to you and pretend like i hardly exist. if you're going to treat me like i hardly exist i WILL become non existant.

my sister who i haven't seen in a year, three months and 2 weeks will be here tomorrow! we have a lot of catching up to do and maybe she'll help me by just listening. i miss her sooooo much.

2 more months until october.. seems so far away.

it seems like the only time i update this damn thing its to vent but i guess thats what livejournal is for eh?

i promise that's it.

heart,
niki

do you have the time?

Sat, 20 Aug 2005 05:53:21 GMT

new coheed is amazing.

my birthday was awesome. although i no longer have a mother but thats ok with me. i got to hang out with christopher! and went bowling for like hours. and ate dinner with amanda.. thanks manda! and i was up until like 6 in the morning with my little sister playing mario party 6. it was soo much fun! i've never spent time like that with my little sister. i hope she enjoyed it as much as me. she starts junior high and i'm scared!

i have a boyfriend and his name is NOT pat garza. for this, everyone should be proud.

so like christopher asked me out last night/this morning and it was sooo cute. i like him a lot. but that's all i'm going to say.

my sister had a miscarraige. sadXcore. i feel bad that she's all alone in denver. she told me she's thinking about moving out here. that would be cool...

tomorrow i work at 730am-1230pm at childrens choice. then 1-930 at savers. thats like 13 hours of work all in one day. i'm nuuutttss. i can do it.

I believe that is all.

so there you are... and i here i stand.

Sat, 13 Aug 2005 18:27:27 GMT

yesterday i got my hair cut and this morning i dyed it. black again of course but tonight or tomorrow i'm putting red streaks in it. maybe i'll post pictures. but that's all that is new with me. it's already august 13!?!1 that means in 2 days my best friend will be back and the day after that is my birthday. not that i'm doing anything but my mommy is gonna take me out to dinner <3 and i get to babysit my little sister all day. i think i'm gonna make her pretty. oh! and my 22 year old sister whom is pregnant! will be here in september for 2 weeks from denver. and i'm excited about that.

ack

Sat, 06 Aug 2005 14:46:13 GMT

10 days without my best friend is going to be insane. especially since we work together and she's needed there to keep me sane. 10 days!! i can do this. my mom called me last night saying my 11 year old sister never came home today. and this was at like 9:30. i was sick in bed (of course) so i was like fuckin a! find her and call me back. she called me back like 10 minutes later because she found her. thank god. i take it back. it's only 9 more days without my best friend because my bday is in 10 days. this apartment is empty though :( which is no good for me considering last sunday it got broken into. no really, i can do this.

xoxo

this is me.

Sat, 30 Jul 2005 04:25:36 GMT

who am i? i'm so wrapped up in everyone else I don't even know who i am. how can one be so "selfish" but not care about anything other than people's needs. yeah so use this girl because she let's you. yeah right. so right now, it's fuck you and everyone else. just take my lungs and let them breathe for you, they don't work for me. I'd rather die alone than help you again. good, alone that's the best i am. just leave me at my best.. alone and scared. I'd rather be alone and care about myself then help everybody with their bullshit and end up alone anyway. I don't need a friend like you, a mother like you, a father like you, a sibling like you, a stranger like you. this is me saying fuck you. and for once, this is me saying i don't give a fuck. I'll be around but not for you. I'm not going to wait for you either. this is me. this is my time. your time is up. go find your next victim to prey on. this victim is as good as dead. I usually end thing's with x's and o's but i'm all out. so this i'm ending with nothing. not even a trace of blood. blood that i have shed for you for way too long. so here is your nothing... and thanks. for nothing.